The Creek Series: Complete Set: Parts I, II, & III Page 9

  In anger I shoved at the clothes, knocking many to the floor.

  To my surprise, there on the wall in big bold letters was written, “101 Things I Love About Wrenn”.

  1. The way her name sounds off my lips

  2. The dimples behind her knees

  That came as a shock. I didn’t know I had dimples behind my knees.

  I went to the bathroom and removed my clothes. Standing with my naked backside in front of the long mirror, I leaned around and twisted to and fro, trying to see the dimples for myself. I appeared like a failing contortionist and laughed out loud. If only he could’ve been there to see it, he would’ve rolled in laughter.

  I curled on my side and caught the shower door out of the corner of my eye. The memory came to me quickly of our last time together in the bathroom he designed for me. My visions were so vivid, as if he were right there with me. And yet, when I looked over at the shower door, he failed to magically appear.

  I went back to the wall and kept reading, crying and sometimes… even laughing. Absorbing his secret scribblings in a life-size journal.

  3. Her beautiful eyes

  4. The way she snorts if she giggles more than three times

  Oh my God, he counted them?

  5. Her genuine spirit

  10. The ticklish spot on the back of her right thigh

  14. She’s most beautiful without make-up

  20. The rosy glow her cheeks get when she’s coming

  Okay, that one has to get covered up.

  31. Her perfectly shaped lips

  39. Her taste

  44. Her second toe is longer than her big toe

  I looked down at my feet and giggled through my tears.

  59. She draws a heart on exclamation points on the notes she leaves me

  I never knew he’d noticed.

  72. She makes lists

  84. Her honesty

  89. Her simple needs

  90. The way she bounces in the saddle when she rides a horse, reminds me of the way she rides me

  Another one I had to hide from my mother.

  91. The smell of her hair.

  The last one hit me hard. He always stuck his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply.

  I closed my eyes and sensed him behind me.

  If only it were real…

  When I opened my eyes, I found myself alone.

  He hadn’t finished the list. I wish I knew what he was thinking for the final ten.

  What else didn’t I know about Stephan and how much he loved me? I read his list and re-read it out loud. Sometimes the details made me laugh and sometimes I cried harder. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped myself in a tight ball on the floor. There was no comfort, no joy. Sorrow and anger prevailed.

  Why did you leave me, Stephan?

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his black leather jacket and recalled how sexy he’d looked on New Year’s Eve. That next morning he’d told me it was our beginning, and it had been. Our time together had been beautiful. He never told me it was going to be short. He’d promised to love me forever.

  After some time, I walked around the cabin and looked at his place, his life left behind. I found his cologne and sprayed it all over the flannel shirt of his I was wearing and curled up on his side of the bed.

  No goodbyes…

  Chapter 15

  Analina. She wanted to celebrate his life in true Stephan style. It was a great idea and I agreed, so we hosted a bonfire and barbecue on Saturday night on his land for all of his friends to come tell their favorite stories.

  A couple of the guys brought their guitars, and we tried our best to sing some of Stephan’s favorite songs, but no one could do it as good as Blake Shelton, so we wound up making fun of each other and laughing through our tears as we sang along to the music over the Bose player.

  Publicly, it was humbling to see how many people turned out to show their love and respect. Privately, guilt consumed my soul for leaving him and putting myself first.

  Mom tried her best to be supportive because she understood the pain from losing her soul mate, but the loss was hard on her in two ways. One, because she loved Stephan like her own child, and two, because it took her back to the day she lost the man she loved with all of her soul.

  Sunday morning, Analina came by my house before leaving for the airport. She wanted to say goodbye, something Stephan didn’t believe in.

  “There’s something that I wanted to give you,” she said, opening her big red purse while she took a seat on the sofa. Her hands trembled.

  She pulled out a key ring and handed it to me. I looked it over and laughed because he never locked his door, and the key fob read, “Door locked? Find an open window.” So much the mentality that had been Stephan.

  She swiped at a tear falling from her chin. “He wanted you to have the cabin. In fact, he left everything to you. The cabin, his life insurance, his accounts—everything.”

  “I know this ring was your mother’s,” I said. “I want to give it back.”

  “No, we talked about it. I have her wedding band. We both wanted you to have Mother’s ring. Please…”

  “Okay.”

  We hugged and cried. I understood what she was saying, but I didn’t know how I felt about the ring. I thought she should have it.

  “Don’t you want to keep it for your son or daughter some day?”

  “No, I want to honor my brother’s wishes. Besides, I have my ring just like we’d planned.”

  When she left that day, I got the feeling it would be the last time I ever saw her. I knew I would be talking with her about the property and all, but for her, it was closure. She would return to her husband in Germany and leave the pain behind.

  For me, it was another new beginning, a tragically painful one. At times we’d been estranged, but Stephan was my best friend, and while I’d lost sight of that for a period of time, I’ll always be eternally grateful we found our way back to one another, even if it was such a short time. Maybe I did get the best and worst of him, but at least I was his hope in life and a reason to live.

  After Analina left, Mom and I went to the bench down by the creek as we usually did on Sundays. We actually went a bit early, so I could get on the road back to Denton. I had one week left to get through before I would come home and try to make sense of things.

  The sound of the flowing creek was peaceful, and the sun peaked through the thickness of the trees.

  “I now know why you love to come here. There is something healing about this place.”

  “Even with the mooing in the distance, it’s still peaceful.”

  We both laughed hard. It felt good. We had to get used to the cows again after so long.

  “Yes, that is an unfamiliar sound down here; that is for sure.” I paused after my giggles because I snorted, and it reminded me of the wall. “I feel like a zombie, Mom. When does it end?”

  “It’s a circle, baby. But, there is a life for you. You’ve suffered more than you deserve at an early age, but you will find happiness, I promise.”

  I wasn’t sure how she could be so certain. I felt the rip and tear of my flesh, even though I had no new wounds. My heart was exposed, even though I couldn’t see it. The burden had me buried, even though I wasn’t covered. The energy to overcome the grief was nowhere in sight.

  The next week spun by in a blur at school and work. Everyone was very understanding and treated me with extra care, even though I told them to be business as usual.

  On Friday, Karina was a doll and came home with me as soon as our shifts were over. I was grateful for the company on the road that late, as well as the emotional brace she provided. She was a country girl too and loved to ride horses, so she was looking forward to getting to do some of that.

  In keeping with my customary habits, I’d made a list of things I wanted to do and things I would have to make decisions about later. The first thing was the cabin. I couldn’t picture keeping it, nor selling it, so it was tabled. All of S
tephan’s things were going to be sorted and boxed and placed in the attic. His writing in the closet was going to be left as it was. It was his final message to me.

  “I don’t know what to do with his truck. I thought about leaving it at my house, but no one will drive it, and it’s just going to sit there.”

  “You won’t drive it?”

  “I can barely get in it, it’s so tall. No, I’m not comfortable driving it. Too many memories.”

  “Then sell it or maybe Ben or Justin might know someone?”

  “Good idea, I’ll ask them.”

  “Would you ever stay at the cabin when you come in to town?”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Then what about turning it into a B&B?”

  “In our tiny town, who would rent it?”

  “You won’t know until you try.”

  “Hmm, I don’t know. It would be strange for other people to be there. He built it with his bare hands. It was a part of him and a part of us.”

  We spent the first couple of days sorting Stephan’s things and packing up the cabin. I went in to town and picked up all the mail then called and had the utilities forwarded to me in Denton.

  The mail had a letter to me from the insurance company. Since he’d been hit by lightning while technically working out on the lake, it was as if he’d been hurt on the job to no fault of his own. It was considered accidental and his accidental policy paid double, but no amount of money would bring him back.

  As the beneficiary of his life insurance policy, I was being notified that I would be receiving a check for over three hundred thousand dollars. They needed me to contact them for processing, and the check would be sent by certified mail within ten days.

  There was more. Letters from the bank and from an attorney out of Hot Springs indicated that the contents of his checking and savings accounts were left to me as well. Stephan had saved his money, owned his home out right, and with the life insurance, there was over $600,000 in cash, before the house and truck.

  None of it mattered. I only wanted him.

  I sat in the middle of the cabin living room floor with the papers in a pile in front of me, Karina across from me, and the same bottle of Jack beside me.

  That night I finished the Jack and once again vowed to protect my heart and never look back.

  Chapter 16

  School and work brought routine—the only thing that kept me sane. I tried to come home every third or fourth weekend to see Mom, but I didn’t go to the cabin, and I avoided talking about Stephan with anyone.

  Justin was keeping our place up well. He’d helped do quite a few repairs to the outside siding, and the whole house had a new coat of paint. He was getting excited for his own little house to be finished by the end of summer. Even though he was a little more than a stone’s throw away, I knew Mom was going to miss having him right there to talk to.

  I scheduled classes for the summer, so I could get ahead in my program, and Karina did the same. We decided to get an apartment, and when we looked, nothing decent was available, but we found a house for not much more money and moved at the end of June. I found it hard to believe four months had passed since Stephan’s accident, and I had very little accounting for most of it.

  “You puzzle me sometimes,” Karina said one night over pizza.

  “Oh yeah, how so?”

  “You always make quick decisions, and yet, when it comes to anything about Stephan’s place or the money he left you, you pretend it doesn’t exist.” She hated olives, and she was picking them off the pizza, tossing them onto the lid of the box.

  “That’s not true. I did use a little of it, but for the most part, I can’t deal with it.”

  She grabbed my arm. “You won’t start healing until you deal with it and put closure to that part of your life.”

  She was right, I supposed. Funny how we were currently taking a psychology class together, and suddenly she was an expert, but there was some truth to her observance.

  On the outside, I was a functioning robot, going through the motions. But, I’d lost a good bit of weight, my skin was gross, and I didn’t even want to talk about how yucky my hair was. “My life lost its sparkle.”

  “Only you have the power to change that, honey.”

  Later that night in bed, I thought about what Karina had said and mentally listed the power I had. Some of the answers finally came to me.

  Stephan had been about helping people. Stopping to help someone change a tire, or paying for someone’s gas when they were down on their luck and because he was that kind of person, I went to him for help when I’d needed it for Mom—and me. He was there without asking for anything in return, even though he’d teased me that I would owe him. Little did I know…

  With the new resources I had, it was possible I could set up a fund to help people and give back, the Stephan Hart way.

  I put it on the list.

  The following day I made the decision to start therapy and asked Becky for a reference when I got to work. She told me to call Darlie Harris, the grief counselor who worked in our cancer center. When I called Darlie and explained my situation and requested a recommendation of a therapist and support group, she asked me to come down and visit with her. We ended up talking for several hours, and I finally just let it all out.

  Guilt had been holding me back, and when she finally got me to admit it, I felt a world of relief.

  I was consumed with the angst over leaving Arkansas to pursue my own goals, instead of spending the precious time I had left with the ones I loved. Darlie helped me realize nothing I did would’ve changed the outcome.

  While her job dealt mostly with cancer patients, loss of life and grief was mostly the same, she said. She provided me with the contact for a support group, and I decided to start right away.

  But over the course of the next few days, she also started texting me and checking up on me, and we quickly developed a close bond. While I would visit her in her office, I got the chance to interact with the cancer patients and their families and began to feel that oncology might be my calling.

  I went home the last weekend in July to spend my birthday with Mom. She had gone part-time at the diner just to have something to do, and the rest of the time she spent quilting. I was so excited when I saw her quilting. She had worked so much over the last few years that, while it was a passion, she hadn’t had the time or energy to quilt. She even had some of the local ladies coming out to the house a day or so a week for quilting sessions.

  Justin had moved into his house and gave me the formal tour.

  “How’s school going?” he asked, showing me the kitchen.

  “Full speed ahead. Hard to believe I have only two semesters left. Wait,” I turned and pointed, “You have two ovens? What on earth for?”

  “Whose idea do you think that was?” He gave a small chuckle. “Then what’s next, job or more school?”

  “I start the next phase for my Nurse Practitioner license, while I work weekends or part-time. It won’t be easy, but another eighteen months and I’m done.”

  “Your momma will be happy to have you home. There isn’t a sentence that comes outta her mouth that doesn’t have your name in it.”

  “Oh boy, that bad, huh?”

  He nodded.

  I followed him out to the new barn and saw our old tractor inside.

  “How did you get this old thing up here?”

  “It’s running now. A few parts was all.”

  “Wow, that’s awesome. A mechanic, I am not.”

  Justin was beaming with pride. He wasn’t much for words, but he was a hard worker, and I took him for being very loyal.

  “Do you know anyone who would be interested in buying Stephan’s truck?”

  “Sure. Me.”

  “You? Then it’s yours. It’s my gift. I’ll get you the keys and sign the title over to you.”

  “Wrenn, are you sure? What brought this on?”

  “Closure and he would be honored t
o know you have it.”

  Justin hugged me. It was an awkward hug, but he was happy all the same. “I’ll take good care of it.”

  “I know you will.”

  Soon after I’d received the checks from the insurance company, I’d paid off the loan on our place, but for the most part, the rest—other than what Mom needed—had been sitting in the bank, growing interest. She fought me on quitting work at first, but she realized Stephan would’ve wanted that and finally gave in.

  I hadn’t been back to the cabin since Karina and I packed it up, but Justin had been checking on it for me. I was beginning to feel it was time to do something with it.

  “Whatcha thinking about, kiddo?” Mom asked from her reclined position.

  I realized I’d been staring off into space through our living room window. “What to do with the cabin. I gave Justin the truck today. He was thrilled.”

  “That was a good move. You giving him the cabin too?” She wrinkled her forehead in a puzzled look.

  “No, but I’ve been thinking about doing something with it, like a home for someone in need or something. I don’t know yet.”

  “Don’t rush, it will come to you. It’s not going anywhere.”

  She was right, but I was suddenly consumed with an overwhelming need for closure. I walked to the door. “I’ll be back in a bit. I’ve got this gnawing feeling.”

  Weirdness was an understatement for having to use a key to open the cabin, and I laughed when I read the key fob again. Once inside, I plopped down in the oversized recliner, and my body sank deep into it, as if his arms were around me.

  I looked around the small living room and read the hand-painted wood sign over the door, “Hunter’s Paradise”, and laughed. Stephan loved to hunt, but that man could not kill a deer. I swear he missed on purpose. He always had stories about the big buck that got away, and I often wondered why. Now fishing, that was a completely different story. He was talented in that department, and I think he simply let me beat him to make me feel better.

  The cabin was stale and no longer smelled like him, but rather was overcome with the scent of old cedar wood. I walked around the rooms and eventually found myself in the master closet again. With all the clothes and belongings removed, I sat against the far wall and read his scribbling aloud. I thought about keeping a photo of it and remembered my cell phone was in the car.